A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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