So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
