She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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