I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
