apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
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