I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
