I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
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I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
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You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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