the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
