I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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