In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
