Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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