If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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