I just pynch a tree in the face
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
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It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
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He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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