Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
