dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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