ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
