Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
