I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
