My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
