I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize