that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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