My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
