Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
