Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
