All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
