somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i was born a porn star she said
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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