a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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