Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
