What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
