So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
