Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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