whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
