i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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