proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
