I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize