Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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