At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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