I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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