K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
