the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.