woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
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Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.