Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
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Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
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i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something