just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?