So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
