It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Randomize
