I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
The adults are the big ones right?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
