i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
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