I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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