Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
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He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
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