Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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