My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
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I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
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The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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