guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
