I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
please come you make the beer taste better
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
