the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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