Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
