He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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