We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.